“Do You Have a ‘Relationship Language’ Solidly In Place?”

What I’ve found, is that we need to learn to speak the same language and use the same definitions when dealing with another person.

What that requires is a Relationship Language.  A what?!  A Relationship Language – a language or a set of definitions that both parties agree on beforehand – before they get into their first argument. 

What I mean by that, is that any single person has their own definitions of words and combinations of words, and gestures, and what that means to them, based on their past experience, culture, family and what they’ve gone on to learn.  But whenever two or more people gather together, issues can arise from the simple fact that each person has their own unique definitions drawn from unique experiences, and often people assume that they know what those definitions are, when they really don’t.

An example of this is when somebody replies defensively, “Hey.  It’s simply logic.  It’s common sense.  Anyone would know that.”; or “What do you mean you don’t understand?! – I’ve been telling you for the past half hour what I mean!  How can you honestly stand there and act like you are this dumb!?”

Ouch….Looks like these people need some “Non-Violent Communication” (NVC); or at least a common way to communicate, so that both parties can be relatively sure that they understand one another.

The thing is, people tend to assume that the other person can read their mind.  That’s too bad, because a lot of heartache could be avoided, if they would just take the time, sit down, and explain what they really mean by the words that they use.

Take, for example, my friend and I having an argument over the issue of the word, “work”.  It’s a simple word, not that long; and when you say, “I’m going to work”, most people know what you mean.  But when you refer to work as something other than your job; then things can take on a different meaning.  I’ve argued that by labeling something you might like to do, as ‘work’, simply because you’re getting paid for it,  it could cause you to have negative feelings associated with what you like to do!

To some, “work” means struggle, effort – ‘blood, sweat and tears’ – ‘by the sweat of your brow shall you toil’, (according to the Genesis, in the Bible).  But work could also simply mean the result after you put energy and action into something.  What if you really like to dance…stripper, hip hop, whatever; but you get paid to do it.  Is it still considered, ‘work’?  For some, it would be.  For others, it would not.  Some people might say it was a hobby that they got paid for.  If you are an escort or a Gigolo and you love to have sex…but you get paid for it – Does that constitute, ‘work’? –  Well, it wouldn’t for me.  But that’s just me.  And that’s just my point…everyone has a different definition and a string of definitions for every single word or symbol.  Figure out what that is; and you’ll be communicating like you never did before.  They’ll say something like, “It’s like you’ve known me my whole life!”, or “I was just going to say that!”, or “Wow, those are some pretty powerful psychic abilities you have there.  You read my mind!”

Let’s take another example. – A rather simple one that we’ve all heard:  A young salesman comes up to a lady, and says, “Can I help you, MAM?” – Boy! – Did he just stick his foot in his mouth?  In her mind, she’s going, “Oh, I look old enough to be called, ‘MAM’, now, do I?” – When this guy may have been raised in the South where it’s well known that boys are taught manners at a very early age; and this is simply a word of respect for him.

One last example here:  Remember high school math?  Maybe you’re still there learning about the ‘Order of Operations’.  Sound familiar?  If not, I’ll jog your memory for a moment:  The ‘Order of Operations’ can be remembered using an acronym of PEMDAS…Parenthesis, Exponets, Multiply, Divide, Add, Subtract. – And the reason why students are taught this is because there are times when a person is doing a math problem and they might come up with a different answer, having added, before they multiplied, possibly.  There has to be a standard, shared language across the board, so that when people say I did such and such and came up with this result; other people can follow them exactly to get the same result.  Imagine the chaos different car industries might go through if they tried to use the results from someone who didn’t know their ‘system’.

The small amount of time that you spend learning what your potential spouse’s Relationship Language – your friends’ or even someone you just met – will pay you back many times over and save you countless arguments and all that time trying to explain yourself while you are both angry or frustrated and not in your ‘right mind’.

I’ve discovered that the worst time to try and be logical with someone is when you are in the thick of a heated argument.  Rationality seems to go right out the window; and people get incensed over the stupidest things, when they should be trying to make their relationship stronger.  I mean, that’s the whole point, right?  – To remain in the relationship and to grow together; not split up because someone felt butt-hurt over a technicality, right?

So, do the right thing and think about the words you use and what they mean to you; and when things are going all cozy, start this conversation with your friend, partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, significant other…whatever. You’ll be glad you did; I promise!

David Lee Madison, Jr.
~Nate – street name
~KnavetheMage on Twitter
~ZenNinja
~Nate Love
~Dreamweaver
WordPressSynergy, Twitter: KnavetheMage, suprememasterjedi
Copied from my WORD documents in Boulder, CO
Saturday, December 14, 2013 – 16:27

“My Jar Analogy as a Basic Blueprint for Understanding Key Success Principles”

“My Jar Analogy as a Basic Blueprint for Understanding Key Success Principles”

I have often thought that the concept of the rate of growth and desire to speed up that growth, could be best illustrated by the analogy of a tiny man or woman in, and at the bottom, of a jar when they are born.

 

Below, I will attempt to examine this further:

 

The jar is a metaphor for the set of conditions and circumstances we are born into.  The bottom represents the time and place of our entering this world.  The small person represents us, as we learn and grow and apply what we know and have learned.  The sand or clay represents challenges and opportunities presented to us on a daily or even more frequent basis.  The stones simply represent bigger opportunities or challenges.  The lip of the jar represents the point in time when we are able to get past our set of circumstances, thought patterns, or habits.  The outside of the jar represents the rest of the Universe or almost limitless possibilities waiting for us to grasp once we learn certain lessons and achieve certain applied skills.

So, imagine a man trying to get out of a jar; but the only tools he is given is that of gradual grains of sand or clay being dropped into the jar from above.  One would think that it would be much faster if you put a bunch of stones in instead, as stepping stones.  That is the solution that seems to come to mind quickest, once we become impatient for things to change in our lives.

 

In order to do that, though, we have to build from the bottom – up.  We have to create with what we were originally given.  Take a poker player for a moment – the best ones, I’ve been told, are not necessarily the ones with the best hands; but the ones with the best strategy and know how to read people and circumstances and to even bluff at times.

 

I know that I’m mixing metaphors, here, but if you stay with me for a bit more, where we’re headed may become more clear…

 

So, there you are: a tiny man or woman, at the very bottom of the jar (at birth).  Life begins tossing in grains of sand or grains of clay.  If big boulders dropped on us, they could instantly kill us.  Now, imagine that we can let this stuff continue to fall on our heads, and bury us alive; or we can somehow make room and step on those grains,(skillfully spread around and stacked upon one another), once they make it to the bottom of the jar.  We begin to do this, and soon, we are standing on a nice foundation that we’ve even managed to smooth out.

 

Now, let’s say that as time goes on, we decide that we’re no longer satisfied with these itty-bitty grains of clay and want to move faster in our life; so we beg for huge boulders again.  Besides, getting smashed in the head, what happens if we have actually been able to build with these boulders or stones and now are leaping merrily up the mountain?  What happens if we miss-step and fall all the way back down to where the sand or clay is?  – We get battered and bruised along the way down.  We may even die while smashing from rock to rock, until we finally cease our descent.

 

Yet, we haven’t discussed the other dynamic going on, here.  Eventually that little person grows into a bigger person, stronger mind, will, imagination, knowledge base, and sets of skills.  If we take this into account, as well, then, we see that our rate of success can merge almost seamlessly with our rate of growth.  And when I speak of growth; I’m not just referring to going from a child to an adult; but am including the things I mentioned above, as well.  Eventually, when you’ve gotten big enough, you will be too large to fall into the cracks of those stones.  In essence, your person or soul or life power/personal power will be big enough so that you will actually NEED larger sized grains of sand/clay; or even stones.

 

1)  Please leave a comment or tell your story, or just give an example from your own life, if this resonates with you.  All are welcome!

2)  AND – if you know how to get rid of the annoying hidden characters which keep showing up at the top of my blog, from Microsoft WORD – help!

 

And thanks for taking the time to read my blog!

 

David Lee Madison, Jr.

~Nate – street name ,

~KnavetheMage on Twitter

 ~ZenNinja

~Nate Love

~Dreamweaver

WordPress – Synergy, KnavetheMage, suprememasterjedi

Copied from my WORD documents in Boulder, CO

Saturday, December 7, 20139:32

 

The Tools to Succeed

There are so many things that can be said about how to go about traveling the path of success.  I’ve read a lot on this subject, as, in the past, I have felt like a failure many times over.  It’s my belief, actually, that those who suffer in the beginning have the best chance of becoming a phenomenal success; and that is because, so much failure early on, sets the stage for an all-encompassing desire to go in the opposite direction.

So, for the first tool of success, I would have to say that you must start with a healthy desire to do so.  Without that desire you won’t call forth enough of the other elements to achieve your dream.  Now, when I first read about desire, I was like, “Ok…that’s obvious dummy.  If I don’t want to; then I won’t….duhhhh!!!”  Well, after having experience my fickle mind and determination in the past, and then the opposite, I’m here to say that it goes much deeper than that.

That desire must push you.  Yes, it must cause you to act in accordance with it.  Not that action is the end-all-be-all; but your actions must come into alignment with your desire.  The problem for most of us as that we have competing desires.  One desire might be to eat that piece of chocolate cake or a whole bag of potato chips.  Another desire might be to become super healthy.  The desire to eat is a lesser desire.  Well, let me clarify that:  It SHOULD be your lesser desire.  To have a powerful desire, it must master other competing desires.  There are many ways to do this; but one of them is to simply focus most of your time on that MASTER DESIRE.

It’s not just a simple matter of prioritizing it:  Although that is certainly helpful; it is a matter of so saturating your everyday thoughts with this desire, that you begin to see evidence of it everywhere, and that evidence begins to seem magical and excites you.  To do this, I have promised myself that I would spend at least five minutes a day imagining what I want in the best detail that I can.  At first, the desire can be very fuzzy.  Over time, though, you begin to add elements you hadn’t thought of.  And as this desire become more and more clear in your mind….your heart begins to pick up the image and add more and more emotion to the pictures and thoughts which you have taken the effort to form.

Anyone who tells you this is easy, probably has not spent much time doing it.  But if it were so easy, then there would be no need for anyone to guide us into making it a reality for us.

Let me repeat…this exercise, at first, depending on how much work you’ve done on yourself, in the past, will not be easy.  Be very sure that this is absolutely, 100% work.  It is mental and emotional work; but work nonetheless.  Eventually, you will have created such a white-hot desire, or such a consistently nagging desire, that your actions will begin to reflect the force that this imaged desire has on your being.  If you continue on with this process, you will manifest your desire; no question.

KnavetheMage…