“Do You Have a ‘Relationship Language’ Solidly In Place?”

What I’ve found, is that we need to learn to speak the same language and use the same definitions when dealing with another person.

What that requires is a Relationship Language.  A what?!  A Relationship Language – a language or a set of definitions that both parties agree on beforehand – before they get into their first argument. 

What I mean by that, is that any single person has their own definitions of words and combinations of words, and gestures, and what that means to them, based on their past experience, culture, family and what they’ve gone on to learn.  But whenever two or more people gather together, issues can arise from the simple fact that each person has their own unique definitions drawn from unique experiences, and often people assume that they know what those definitions are, when they really don’t.

An example of this is when somebody replies defensively, “Hey.  It’s simply logic.  It’s common sense.  Anyone would know that.”; or “What do you mean you don’t understand?! – I’ve been telling you for the past half hour what I mean!  How can you honestly stand there and act like you are this dumb!?”

Ouch….Looks like these people need some “Non-Violent Communication” (NVC); or at least a common way to communicate, so that both parties can be relatively sure that they understand one another.

The thing is, people tend to assume that the other person can read their mind.  That’s too bad, because a lot of heartache could be avoided, if they would just take the time, sit down, and explain what they really mean by the words that they use.

Take, for example, my friend and I having an argument over the issue of the word, “work”.  It’s a simple word, not that long; and when you say, “I’m going to work”, most people know what you mean.  But when you refer to work as something other than your job; then things can take on a different meaning.  I’ve argued that by labeling something you might like to do, as ‘work’, simply because you’re getting paid for it,  it could cause you to have negative feelings associated with what you like to do!

To some, “work” means struggle, effort – ‘blood, sweat and tears’ – ‘by the sweat of your brow shall you toil’, (according to the Genesis, in the Bible).  But work could also simply mean the result after you put energy and action into something.  What if you really like to dance…stripper, hip hop, whatever; but you get paid to do it.  Is it still considered, ‘work’?  For some, it would be.  For others, it would not.  Some people might say it was a hobby that they got paid for.  If you are an escort or a Gigolo and you love to have sex…but you get paid for it – Does that constitute, ‘work’? –  Well, it wouldn’t for me.  But that’s just me.  And that’s just my point…everyone has a different definition and a string of definitions for every single word or symbol.  Figure out what that is; and you’ll be communicating like you never did before.  They’ll say something like, “It’s like you’ve known me my whole life!”, or “I was just going to say that!”, or “Wow, those are some pretty powerful psychic abilities you have there.  You read my mind!”

Let’s take another example. – A rather simple one that we’ve all heard:  A young salesman comes up to a lady, and says, “Can I help you, MAM?” – Boy! – Did he just stick his foot in his mouth?  In her mind, she’s going, “Oh, I look old enough to be called, ‘MAM’, now, do I?” – When this guy may have been raised in the South where it’s well known that boys are taught manners at a very early age; and this is simply a word of respect for him.

One last example here:  Remember high school math?  Maybe you’re still there learning about the ‘Order of Operations’.  Sound familiar?  If not, I’ll jog your memory for a moment:  The ‘Order of Operations’ can be remembered using an acronym of PEMDAS…Parenthesis, Exponets, Multiply, Divide, Add, Subtract. – And the reason why students are taught this is because there are times when a person is doing a math problem and they might come up with a different answer, having added, before they multiplied, possibly.  There has to be a standard, shared language across the board, so that when people say I did such and such and came up with this result; other people can follow them exactly to get the same result.  Imagine the chaos different car industries might go through if they tried to use the results from someone who didn’t know their ‘system’.

The small amount of time that you spend learning what your potential spouse’s Relationship Language – your friends’ or even someone you just met – will pay you back many times over and save you countless arguments and all that time trying to explain yourself while you are both angry or frustrated and not in your ‘right mind’.

I’ve discovered that the worst time to try and be logical with someone is when you are in the thick of a heated argument.  Rationality seems to go right out the window; and people get incensed over the stupidest things, when they should be trying to make their relationship stronger.  I mean, that’s the whole point, right?  – To remain in the relationship and to grow together; not split up because someone felt butt-hurt over a technicality, right?

So, do the right thing and think about the words you use and what they mean to you; and when things are going all cozy, start this conversation with your friend, partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, significant other…whatever. You’ll be glad you did; I promise!

David Lee Madison, Jr.
~Nate – street name
~KnavetheMage on Twitter
~ZenNinja
~Nate Love
~Dreamweaver
WordPressSynergy, Twitter: KnavetheMage, suprememasterjedi
Copied from my WORD documents in Boulder, CO
Saturday, December 14, 2013 – 16:27

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“’You are a WIZARD, Harry’ – turning our inner dreamer/wizard into the real thing.”

I’ve always had an idealism to beat the best science fiction writer.  In fact, one of my names, Nathanial…in Hebrew, means, “Gift From God”; but also, more importantly, “Dreamer”.

And, I’m definitely that – in spades.

As the years passed, though, and I matured a bit (hopefully not too much! *wink*) – I began to see that dreams were not enough:  Actions had to come into those dreams, at some point.  It is this ‘mergence of dream and action, which when synergistically understood and applied, gives us all the great things that we see and enjoy, today.

In coming to that understanding, I began to seek a way to combine those two almost seamlessly.  This has led me down very odd paths.  My “Day Number” in Numerology, Seven (7), says that mine is the day of “Peculiar Interests”.

If one could take a peak into one of my notebooks, where I have listed over a hundred or so interests, they would see some listed that would make them go, “Huh?”, and scratch their heads.  I take no offense to this; it only highlights that which I’ve been aware of for some time now, after having spent a considerable amount of time getting to know “thy self” through deeper and deeper layers of the onion:  I am a muti-faceted individual – as is every one of us; only I KNOW this because I have spent time finding it out.

What is the main difference between the Leonardo DaVinci’s of the world, and the rest of us?nothing, save that the Leonardo’s of the world found their calling and weren’t afraid to follow that unique path, no matter where it led them.  Most of us are concerned about what our friends, family and society, in general, think of us – that we don’t get to discover who we really are and how much we are really capable of.

But this is not about our uniqueness.  I’ll leave that for another day.  No, this is about the power we are given to create our own lives, once we install certain empowering habits, tools, and ways of thinking, feeling, acting and being.

– To know and implement changes in our lives on a daily basis….which will give us what we really want.  And how many of us even know what those desires and dreams are?  Not many, I would hazard.  Not many at all.

So, to my way of thinking, it starts by asking that fundamental question, “What do I want out of life?  What do I stand for?  Who or What Am I?”  Once you start asking THOSE kinds of questions, you’ve opened up a sort of secret passageway that now you, and others like you can explore.

You are a WIZARD, Harry” – to borrow from our beloved, Harry Potter books and movies.  And so you are.  You have only to find it out for yourself!

Spending five minutes a day, in some kind of reflection or meditation will help you answer those questions, a great deal.  Keeping a journal where you can write down thoughts and ideas and questions, will also help you immensely in this ‘hero’s quest’.

Start with that; and when you have knotted those tools into the very fiber of your being, look for others to support you ( and they will be there, I assure you).

To your very best…

David Lee Madison, Jr.
~Nate – street name ,
~KnavetheMage on Twitter
~ZenNinja
~Nate Love
~Dreamweaver
WordPress – Synergy, KnavetheMage, suprememasterjedi
Copied from my WORD documents in Boulder, CO
Tuesday, December 10, 2013 – 6:37

What’s a “fwoplusal”?

My father and many other members of the mad-man, Madison clan, would tell you that we have a history of people with artistic or scientific genius.  Now, whether that’s true, is not the point…the point is that our family is a bit on the eccentric side – although to be truly eccentric, don’t you have to be wealthy…the difference having been stated that a poor person is termed crazy; and the rich one – well, eccentric?  Anyway, with all that eccen-tricity running through the family genes, we were bound to come up with ways of doing things, and phrases all our own.

I’ve always admired people who are the first to coin things…to name them, or come up for a word that fits an idea or a concept or a symbol.  Issac Asimov is one of those of a rare breed, what I like aptly to call, the “Coiners”.  Now, I’m not for certain, here – but I think I recall that Mr. Asimov, in one of his billions of books – (not really, but he sure did write a lot!) – claimed that he had coined the term, “Robot”.  Again, I could be wrong – often times I am; and that makes me much more a diplomat than a genius; but then again, I could be right!

So, what’s a “fwoplusal”?  That’s a good question; and all I can really say, is that it’s more of a feeling – you see – as a kid, I got really frustrated and bashed things up a bit, when I couldn’t express exactly what I was feeling.  It was kinda like the word that’s at-the-tip-of-your-tongue – a vague, uneasy feeling that a word is dodging and darting and smacking you in the head and slapping you in the face, yet when you reach out, you’re just too slow and come up empty-handed.  That uneasy feeling happened a lot in my childhood and pissed me off a great deal – to see those puzzled expressions of my childhood playmates or even logical-seeming adults…was torture.  I mean, it seemed logical in my mind, and so it should be easily understood by others, huh?  So, again, what’s a “fwoplusal”?  A “fwoplusal” is a word that came to me when I couldn’t think of another word that embodied all that I wanted to say in one of my earlier posts.  A “fwoplusal” is a whole lot of stuff that on the surface, may seem un-connected, yet when you delve deeper, one slowly discovers the hidden web of inter-relatedness between them all.

I get “fwop”, from the Elmer Fudd accent on flop…to flop down, but the ‘w’ denotes packing a much bigger ‘wop’ into the ‘flop’ (for the ‘flop just wouldn’t do this particular expression of a concept justice), seeming to draw us to the conclusion that there isn’t just one thing we’re flopping down, but a whole bunch of stuff.  The “lusal”, part reminds me of refusal, and plural; like the refusal to be named, because there’s just too damned much junk in my head that seems unrelated, that I’ve studied, and the of course, not singular, but plural.  And finally, “lusal” also speaks to the way I feel at times – that I just might LOSE IT, if I can’t get the right word down in time to express what’s going on inside this convoluted brain of mine.

 

So, there you have it…the meaning of “fwoplusal”; in case you were interested.